The Paralympics Opening Acid Trip.

* Please note - this post is not intended to belittle anyone with any kind of disability, physical or mental. It is purely observational and should not be taken literally or seriously.

As many of you will know, the closing ceremony (suicide advert, whatever you want to call it) of the Olympic Games paves the way for the Paralympic Games to begin hitting our screens. It annoys me when my programmes start late because of previous shows over-running as it happens almost every time, but I can tolerate live events of a perticular magnitude. However, when it has over-run by nearly an hour like in this case, surely you can understand my irritability.

In light of this setback, I decided to leave the Paralympics Opening Ceremony on and wait for my programme to start (at this point, I had no clue how long I'd be waiting). If I could describe what I witnessed using one phrase, it would have to be 'what in the absolute fuck have I just seen'!? It was like an adaptation of inside Walt Disney's mind when he was alive and on a two-week drugs bender.

I understand the concept of the games and what it took for the athletes to reach this stage, but I put it to you that if you said you wouldn't laugh at flying wheelchairs you are either lying or there are corpses with more of a sense of humor. Apart from that, I couldn't begin to grasp what the vast majority of it had to do with anything remotely close to the games. What part does a sperm whale and a bloke with a skirt on fire play in the Paralympics? To make the athletes feel at home?

I say that, but there was one part that blew my mind. As a woman began a song on a piano, there was something cutting about the stage that I couldn't quite make out. Initially, I thought it was a Chimpanzee or some kind of ape/monkey purely due to it's size and the fact that its hands were doing the work in making it move. As the camera panned in I realised it was, in fact, a man who'd been cut in half doing a little dance for the crowd. I revert back to that phrase, what the fuck did I just see? Just when I thought shit couldn't get wierder, he started flying around the stadium. Not by his own power, obviously, I think the power of flight would cancel out the loss of limbs and therefore he couldn't call himself disabled. Still, it was hard work finding out if this was real or some sadistic dream.

The madness didn't end there. I never thought I'd see Stephen Hawking on stage with a couple of DJ's dancing behind him performing a track while he rattles on about life like Robocop having a drunken conversation. In spite of everything though, I really, really think there was just something missing...