Step Up 4!? How did that happen?

On August 10th (in the UK), the world of cinema will change forever. Spiderman will be squashed, the Dark Knight will rise no more and Ted will simply fall apart like the vast majority of old, withered, plush toys. Get ready for the 'Step Up Revolution'!!!

*nothing but the sound of crickets is heard*

Yes indeed, the fourth installment of the never popular 'Step Up' franchise - officially entitled 'Step Up 4: Miami Heat' in Great Britain - promises to be the blockbuster event of the year. They're probably quite right, that is if you like your movies to consist of feckless, youthful fairies bouncing around the street like super-evolved gibbons on ecstasy for an hour and a half.

Here's the trailer -


One of the first things that went through my mind the first time I saw this was 'who decided that the original film was phenomenal enough to warrant a fucking sequel? Never mind four of the bastards.' The opening scene in the trailer strikes me as a humanoid version of 'Jumanji' with the way they're just leaping around on people's cars. The question on everyone's mind, to quote the news reader, is 'fuck this, where's the Ibuprofen and the Smirnoff?' It seems like a terribly American thing to do, but then why isn't there some warped cunt picking them off with a shotgun? You can't have everything, I suppose. Although, they seem to have included them riding the vehicles like gigantic skateboards. I was half-waiting on someone attempting a heelflip off of a multistory car park.

If that wasn't enough to highlight the mind-numbing insanity on the part of the writers, then art sculptures with no legs thrusting as if to shag the very oxygen you breathe has to be very near the tipping point. If I were there I'd be punching myself in the face whilst screaming 'wake me from this sick and twisted nightmare'. If that's not enough, try half a corporate building's worth of staff breaking to a halt before shuddering in unison like epileptics at a fucking Muse concert. A confusing point is when news breaks about the dancers gaining '20,000 hits on YouTube in under 5 hours' to which every prick in the bar pops their load with extreme joy - or horror, it's difficult to tell. Are they all members of the 'Restless Fuckers League' or something? Do they all just mince around in public places simply because they can't comprehend the idea of sitting with their feet up whilst watching a proper film? Fortunately, the answer is no.

The main premise seems to revolve around a legion of breakdancers called 'the Mob' who decide that dancing can make a change. They've certainly proved that point, I've almost changed my mind about wanting to continue sucking air into my lungs to survive another day. Some business wanker seeks to demolish their strip in favour of a hotel of achitectual wonder and the Mob are to dance the shit out of their evil plan. If that doesn't carry Step Up 4 to the title of highest grossing film of all time, it will be the biggest shock since the 'Opal Fruits' name change to 'Starburst'.

The only way I'd ever watch a 'Step Up' film is if they merged it with the 'Alien' franchise and called it 'Step Up 5: Alien Dance of Death'. The Mob, with special guests LMFAO, attempt to become the first dance team to perform a routine on the moon which is broadcast live on YouTube, but a couple of 'facehuggers' later their ribs are protruding and the resulting aliens begin to tear them apart for the entire planet Earth to behold as LMFAO try to 'shuffle' them into submission which only serves to delay their certain doom.