Confessions of a Misanthrope...

It's been a while, but I'm in no mood to apologise. I am, however, in the mood to vent some frustrations I've had since my last post. So, without any fucking further ado, let's get down to it.

I'd say that during around 22 and a half hours of the 24 available each day, I don't understand human nature. Even as a homosapien myself, the things that we as people feel, do, think and say are quite beyond my mind's comprehension. Maybe I'm just thick, who knows? Every so often - quite frequently in fact - something crops up and almost forces me to destroy everything in my vicinity through sheer confusion, not knowing what else to do. These are just a few of those things which have occurred to me recently (some of which for the umpteenth time).

Beards. Whose idea was this then, ladies? Why, all of a sudden, are big, bushy beards considered the best attraction in a man? I remember a time when massive face-muffs were a trademark of the homeless; the trailer trash, the deadbeats. Unless it was ghost white, in which case they'd be Santa. Your knickers must be sodding when Christmas rolls around, girls, and not just because of that emperor vibrator you had on your list's impending arrival. I only shave when I my facial hair reaches the point where I see a complete fucking mink in the mirror. I cut it clean off and I feel instantly cleaner, fuck looking and feeling like filth. It's going to get to a stage where a man with Pikachu-coloured teeth, a gut like a half inflated spacehopper and hair which makes him look like he's been ducking for apples in a bucket of wallpaper paste is considered the pinnacle of sexiness. I suppose it would make things a whole lot easier for us men during mating season (aka, the weekend).

Speaking of fashion trends, whoever green lit the idea of rolling up every end of every item of male clothing should be shot in the eyes with a harpoon gun. It's evident that they have no clue on how to use their peepers properly. Imagine being in the room at the time the concept arose;

'I designed these stonewashed denim skinny jeans, what do you think?'
'Hmm... we've had enough of those, we need something different, something unique and awe inspiring...'
'Ummm... I know! How about we roll the fucking legs up to three-quarter length?'
'... now that is fucking genius!'

It's not just legwear though, is it? Upperbody garments are to be rolled up to fuck too. I have a theory that the cunt who came up with this abomination was a fucking pothead. Who could be more obsessed with rolling shit up than a cannabis junkie? To be fair, it's not actually the look of the items being rolled up - although the skinny jeans version does look mightily gay - but more the fact that they come pre-rolled. Some even to the point of no return. This contradicts my pothead theory, for it must be a different species of animal, or even an alien, which doesn't feel as though humans are capable of rolling up their own fucking sleeves. In all honesty, however this freakshow came to be, I would advise anyone involved with it to roll every item right up their arse because you look like a bunch of One Directioners on mushrooms.

Rant over... for now.

The Lion King on 'Flight Mode'

Have you seen it yet? No?

There is currently a video which has gone viral - like every other video, of course, a one hour clip of myself recording my bedroom wall would probably go viral within fucking minutes - of the Australian cast of the 'Lion King Musical' breaking into full song during a commercial flight. This is apparently mind blowing.

The mere thought of being a passenger on that flight makes me feel relieved that I wasn't. I don't believe in God, but I feel like I should thank him for not putting me on that plane anyway. Why? Well, a bunch of Australians in full singing voice is not what I hope for when booking a flight. They would get right on my tits.

I don't give a fuck how talented they are, it's still an unnecessary racket. It's irritating enough to have to listen to a baby crying on board and it wouldn't be any less so even if it was in key to a fucking tune. That's basically what it's like to me - travelling on an aeroplane whilst a bunch of kids start shouting, crying and bitching in unison to the tune of 'Circle of Life' in mid-flight.

I know it may come across a bit harsh and distasteful, but it's a good fucking advert for Malaysian Airlines. I'd pay the pilot myself; 'how much would it take for you to get us "lost", mate?'.

Two Twats Twatting on Twatter (that's Twitter to the mentally ill).

Apparently, Mike Skinner, the front man from The Streets, has been in a Twatter 'war' with some black guy, Leo, who is a contestant on The Voice and was formerly in The Streets, saying that Leo was only a 'session singer' and that he wasn't a full fledged member of the group, to which Leo responded angrily.

"YOU ARE A TOTAL DISGRACE..!! HOW F**KING DARE YOU...SESSION SINGER..!!??? #EGOTISTICAL #ARSEHOLE" - Leo

I have no idea why Leo reacted in the manner that he did, but I guess being on The Voice would fuck with one's mood (a lot) so I'll give him the benefit. Really though, if I were in his shoes, the type of reaction I'd have for being told I wasn't really in The Streets would be one of fucking relief. The Streets are one of the worst music 'artists' of all time and I'm not surprised Mike Skinner needed a session singer because all he was ever able to do was talk complete pish in a painfully monotone and utterly tedious sounding voice over the same recycled drum beat over and over again.

Leo has bigger problems to worry about, like being on a heap if shit, Primary School talent show that nobody gives a flying fuck about. Mike Skinner should get off Twatter until he can remember the last time he or his 'band' were actually fucking relevant (which will take him longer than he probably thinks).

Mike Skinner - tit.

Actually, wait a second...

Scratch that 'one post per month' bullshit!

Everything I said in that last post is cool, except that one part. I'm just going to post whenever the fuck I feel like it about whatever the fuck I want and I'll do it however the fuck I want to.

Fuck yeah!

Now that, my friends, is a fucking plan!

It's 2014 (no shit, right?), here's the plan...

  As the year 2014 squeezes out from time's womb and into our lives (quite honestly, the worst metaphorical statement I have ever typed), I thought I'd give a long overdue blog post regarding my mission statement for RTAYOR! over this calendar year.

I had a lot of things to think about and many interests in 2013, which ate up much of my time, so I was unable to post regularly on my blogs. It started well but, gradually, I began to forget all about it as this other shit mounted up.

Writing/typing and sharing my opinions - as biased, incoherent, stupid, funny, sad, angry, pointless and/or serious as they may be - is a big passion for me. I really enjoy it. Last year was a bit of trial run to see how I'm going to format things. I experimented with different things, including separate blogs for individual topics, slightly varied styles of writing and even a few types of attitude towards certain musings. However, I think I have a format that I would be comfortable and happy with moving forward.

My plan is to have only one blog (this one) and update it once per month with every irrelevant opinion I have accumulated over the course of that particular month, no matter the subject. I'll be ranting about pointless stuff, whinging about serious things, reviewing shit like music, games and films and it will all happen on the same bullshit page in a style which matches the mood I feel in relation to the subject matter.

Boys and girls, it's time to get seriously fucking risky!

Let's do this, 2014!

An e-mail to Amazon.co.uk.

Hi,

I am typing this message with regards to your e-mail service in which you provide recommendations, offers and, at times, little feedback reminders to registered customers.

At precisely 2:10 AM this morning, I was woken up by my iPhone - in the middle of the most beautiful sleep I have had in a good while - when it made a rather loud noise. My initial thought was that someone had contacted me in a state of emergency or for some other important reason. I picked up my phone and noticed I had received an e-mail. Initially, I wondered who would send emergency notices via e-mail, besides the Microsoft Outlook staff. After clicking onto the icon, I discovered that the e-mail had come from Amazon.co.uk. Again, I found myself somewhat confused. What is so urgent that Amazon has considered it a good reason to wake me up in the middle of the night? The subject was 'Pacific Rim'. I then opened the e-mail and was met with this message.

"We thought you might be interested in knowing that customers who bought "Pacific Rim [Blu-ray + UV Copy] [2013] [Region Free]" also bought these items."

I don't mind telling you that I was absolutely gobsmacked. I was delighted to hear that a random human being somewhere in the world who had also bought 'Pacific Rim' - which, incidentally, hasn't even been released yet - was also interested in a host of other films. I was even more pleased to be informed that I too could purchase any of those films and I was equally glad that you wasted no time in letting me know this by e-mailing me at ten minutes past two in the bloody morning!

I'm sure most of you at Amazon UK are up to date with technology, at least enough to know that smart phones provide audio notification when an e-mail is received. I suppose I could have turned the volume down, turned it on silent or switched it off altogether, but that isn't much use if my grandmother phones me from the bottom of the stairs with a suspected hip injury.

I understand that the public have the right to know these things, but that doesn't mean you must inform them at a moment's notice. I fail to understand who would appreciate this information at that sort of hour. Does Dracula have an Amazon.co.uk account? I'm sure he'd be interested to know what kinds of toothpaste other vampires are using these days if you fancy e-mailing him at 2 AM. I'd have no desire, for any reason, to know what some idiot I've never met has been adding to his/her Blu-ray collection even if I was some sort of nocturnal creature. I don't lose much sleep wondering what other customers have decided to spend their money on and just because they've bought the same item I have bought once does not mean I will buy every other item that they have ever purchased.

I scrolled down the e-mail and caught sight of something in the small print.

"We hope you enjoyed receiving this message."

I think you can probably figure out how I felt receiving the message by now, but I'd like to express something about that statement. I'm not sure the process of receiving anything is particularly enjoyable to most people. They may have enjoyed reading the message, but I'm sure you'll agree that there is little to be desired between hearing a sound and clicking an icon. Furthermore, in this case, the message itself was hardly on a par with a trip to Las Vegas. Unless you were offering me all of those Blu-rays for free, it was never going to be a massive highlight.

I then noticed the option to stop receiving e-mails - which, in your terms, must be like refusing to party with Jay-Z and Beyonce - but I feel that would be a hasty decision. Should I forget to leave a review on any of my purchases, if I don't have you to remind me to do so, the repercussions could be catastrophic. I do not wish for the manufacturer to hunt me down and force me to write a report on their product at gunpoint.

All in all, if you check my order history you will find that I am a loyal customer and that I very much like to use your service. I have no problems with the site itself or anything else involving delivery or products on offer. Sometimes it's the little things which stick out like a badly infected sore thumb.

Sincerely,

Marc

My e-mail to ITV complaining about 'This Morning'.

Hello,

 I am typing this e-mail with regards to your ever popular television show, This Morning. Although I am not an avid viewer of the show, I have seen episodes in full on the various occasions when I have found myself watching daytime television with my grandmother for some reason. I feel I have seen enough of the show to be able to form an opinion such as the one I am about to share with you.

 I'm sure many people would agree that television between the hours of 10:30 AM to 12:30 PM is never going to be the most scintillating experience of one's day, but This Morning seems to take that fact for granted. I must admit that I am not one hundred percent sure of exactly what this type of show is supposed to consist of. On the other hand, nor am I sure that it's supposed to consist of the banal, tedious and, at times, downright inappropriate level of pointlessness This Morning serves up.

 Look, I am no saint, but anyone who thinks it is remotely appropriate to broadcast a lengthy and in-depth (pardon the puns) discussion on the man with the world's largest penis - not to mention having him in the studio for the whole country to behold, as well as an ultra-curious Holly - on live television in the AM hours of the day has to be quite disgusting. Do you think that my 80 year old gran, usually a fan of your show, wakes up each morning wanting to hear about some bloke's third leg? I can tell you she most certainly does not.

 That brings me to this "Sex Week" which you seem to be so fond of having from time to time. I am fully aware that sex is a perfectly natural practice. In fact, some say that 'morning sex' is the best form, but I don't believe too many of that 'some' are part of This Morning's audience. Furthermore, I doubt many viewers wish to hear about a stranger's inflamed vagina in the manner you may hope. Sure, it may attract some Jeremy Kyle fans to This Morning, but you risk sacrificing and stressing the loyalty of some of your existing fan base. Also, isn't This Morning's clientele mainly pensioners, housewives and young mothers? Okay, I will let you off with the young mums, but I can confidently state that the other two should not be in a position to be worrying about STD's. However, I do understand the importance of making people aware of STD's. What I fail to understand is the importance of how pleasurable every human being's sexual experiences are and what can be done to assist them. It's not the filthiest of shows on television, but most of the content I have questioned so far would put me off my Weetabix.

 Now, onto the "Hub." 'Why not have your say?' What a breathtakingly unoriginal and worthless concept. Obviously, in questioning the lack of originality, I accept that This Morning is not the only show on television which boasts such a concept. It is, however, one of the few which are so Twitter-heavy that it is pretty much unbearable. Like I have said previously, a very large portion of the audience is old-age pensioners. I'd say that around sixty-five percent of those pensioners don't own any internet related piece of technology and the remaining thirty-five percent don't know the first thing about it. Still, you expect them to 'follow' the show and get hash-tag silly on a regular basis. My gran asked me why her DVD wasn't showing on the TV screen the other day and I had to inform her that, in order for her chosen DVD to show on the TV, she would have to insert the disc into the drive first. She thinks she has slipped into another dimension when Phillip and company start their 'www.hashtagthis.com' nonsense. I doubt many of the housewives are as clued up on this, as we've come to expect in this day and age, either. I'm sure they are fine with web addresses, but I'm not so sure about social networking. I haven't had a re-tweet from any myself. I imagine they have far more important and interesting things to do with their time.

 From a more general stand point, there isn't much point to the "Hub" is there? My guess is that it is merely a time filler. Would I be correct? I hope so, for I cannot see it serving any other purpose whatsoever. People like to get their two-pence worth in, that's understandable because I suppose it gives them a small sense of worth. Even if it is your plan to aid them, I don't feel like there's any need for you to then forward that two-pence worth to the other viewers. Who really cares about what @Sally83, from Watford, thinks about any subject matter? The opinion of some random human is meaningless to another random human. Why would you promote something so meaningless? Maybe you're scraping the barrel, I don't know, but, judging by everything else on the show, I'd be surprised if there's anything left of the barrel itself.

 Despite everything I have said in the last five paragraphs, I would just like to state that I find the detailed chats in which victims of gang rape and heinous assaults with a sprinkle of relatives of murder victims have their noses rubbed into their respective ordeals especially entertaining and I think This Morning should push itself more in this direction. (Note, sarcasm.)

 I do not wish to cause any offence with this e-mail. If people are allowed to complain about my favourite television shows - sometimes successfully having them axed completely - then I must be free to do the same with the ones that I don't agree with.

Sincerely,

A Very Mild Rebel

P.s, could you also tell Holly to refrain from hovering around that kitchen, like a hot fart in a cold waiting room, and getting in the chef's way. It may be force of habit for her, but I get wound up by it on behalf of the chef. Also, don't encourage them to interrupt the chef with a question when he/she is in the middle of answering a previous question or explaining a part of the cooking process, which is the entire point of asking the questions and indeed the entire portion of the show itself.

Thank you.