An e-mail to Amazon.co.uk.

Hi,

I am typing this message with regards to your e-mail service in which you provide recommendations, offers and, at times, little feedback reminders to registered customers.

At precisely 2:10 AM this morning, I was woken up by my iPhone - in the middle of the most beautiful sleep I have had in a good while - when it made a rather loud noise. My initial thought was that someone had contacted me in a state of emergency or for some other important reason. I picked up my phone and noticed I had received an e-mail. Initially, I wondered who would send emergency notices via e-mail, besides the Microsoft Outlook staff. After clicking onto the icon, I discovered that the e-mail had come from Amazon.co.uk. Again, I found myself somewhat confused. What is so urgent that Amazon has considered it a good reason to wake me up in the middle of the night? The subject was 'Pacific Rim'. I then opened the e-mail and was met with this message.

"We thought you might be interested in knowing that customers who bought "Pacific Rim [Blu-ray + UV Copy] [2013] [Region Free]" also bought these items."

I don't mind telling you that I was absolutely gobsmacked. I was delighted to hear that a random human being somewhere in the world who had also bought 'Pacific Rim' - which, incidentally, hasn't even been released yet - was also interested in a host of other films. I was even more pleased to be informed that I too could purchase any of those films and I was equally glad that you wasted no time in letting me know this by e-mailing me at ten minutes past two in the bloody morning!

I'm sure most of you at Amazon UK are up to date with technology, at least enough to know that smart phones provide audio notification when an e-mail is received. I suppose I could have turned the volume down, turned it on silent or switched it off altogether, but that isn't much use if my grandmother phones me from the bottom of the stairs with a suspected hip injury.

I understand that the public have the right to know these things, but that doesn't mean you must inform them at a moment's notice. I fail to understand who would appreciate this information at that sort of hour. Does Dracula have an Amazon.co.uk account? I'm sure he'd be interested to know what kinds of toothpaste other vampires are using these days if you fancy e-mailing him at 2 AM. I'd have no desire, for any reason, to know what some idiot I've never met has been adding to his/her Blu-ray collection even if I was some sort of nocturnal creature. I don't lose much sleep wondering what other customers have decided to spend their money on and just because they've bought the same item I have bought once does not mean I will buy every other item that they have ever purchased.

I scrolled down the e-mail and caught sight of something in the small print.

"We hope you enjoyed receiving this message."

I think you can probably figure out how I felt receiving the message by now, but I'd like to express something about that statement. I'm not sure the process of receiving anything is particularly enjoyable to most people. They may have enjoyed reading the message, but I'm sure you'll agree that there is little to be desired between hearing a sound and clicking an icon. Furthermore, in this case, the message itself was hardly on a par with a trip to Las Vegas. Unless you were offering me all of those Blu-rays for free, it was never going to be a massive highlight.

I then noticed the option to stop receiving e-mails - which, in your terms, must be like refusing to party with Jay-Z and Beyonce - but I feel that would be a hasty decision. Should I forget to leave a review on any of my purchases, if I don't have you to remind me to do so, the repercussions could be catastrophic. I do not wish for the manufacturer to hunt me down and force me to write a report on their product at gunpoint.

All in all, if you check my order history you will find that I am a loyal customer and that I very much like to use your service. I have no problems with the site itself or anything else involving delivery or products on offer. Sometimes it's the little things which stick out like a badly infected sore thumb.

Sincerely,

Marc