'It's Balotelli... AguerOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!'
Am I the only one feeling slightly tortured by hearing this piece of commentary every two minutes. It's bad enough going to a break when I'm trying to beat one out to Aerobics Oz Style, but that advertisement is a total buzzkill. To me, the message sent out in that advert is 'if you watch the Premier League next season on Sky Sports, you might find out what the other commentators sound like at the point of orgasm too!' It's disturbing to think of Martin Tyler screaming 'Aguero' at the top of his lungs when reaching climax during intercourse with his wife. It must be quite confusing for her.
Saying that, those 'That Goal' segments refuse to come across much better. There are two which cought my attention in the worst possible way - the Chelsea fan talking about the final penalty in the Champions League final shootout in Munich and the Evertonian about a flukey Tim Howard goal.
The Chelsea fan is just some fat, half-cast prick that thrashes himself off thinking of Didier Drogba winning them the European Cup and, in turn, eradicating Tottenham Hotspur's chance of competing in the competition next season. The latter part is crucial in terms of how this guy is an idiot. At the end of the advert he tells us that all the Chelsea supporters began singing 'are you watching White Heart Lane (Tottenham Hotspur's stadium)' before laughing as if Satan has just begun to climb out of his mouth and his tonsils are being tickled by Satan's arse hair. Nothing is ever that funny, especially that piece of shit he calls a story.
The Everton fan makes himself look a right cunt because he can't even remember the goal he's supposed to be raving about, despite specifically talking about nature's role in the story. 'The wind took the ball. It was the wind that took the flight of the ball. Was it a goal kick or did he pick it up? Y'know what, it's difficult. When someone asks you about a goal, you can't remember.' I know what he means - you never forget the forces of nature involved in a situation, but the situation itself escapes your mind like Steve McQueen on coke.
Hat's off to you, Sky, if that doesn't keep me off Babestation I don't know what will.
Enlightening spiels from the land of Whiskey and Shortbread.
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Olympic treatment.
A 17 year-old boy - not a man yet, don't believe the media - was arrested for abusive tweets directed to Tom Daley. The main focus is a tweet suggesting that his dad (Rob Daley, who passed away due to a brain tumour) would have been let down by Tom's performance at the Olympics.
A nasty thing to say, admittedly, but shit happens. 'Ordinary' civillians have to put up with verbal abuse over Twitter, Facebook and out in the streets on a regular basis, life does it's deed and carries on. I fail to understand why Olympic athletes are suddenly immune to such attacks. I'm sorry if you're a Union Jack-wielding ultra-prick, but 'doing the country proud' is not a valid reason in my book simply because diving into a swimming pool a couple of times is not on a par with risking your life fighting against the Taliban on a daily basis. Athletes are fair game just like the rest of us, they don't warrant any special treatment.
Frankie Boyle - a comedian of whom I am a big fan - has been 'in trouble' for merely tweeting that Rebecca Adlington possesses the face of a dolphin. Front page news for a light joke just because the target happened to be an Olympic swimmer? That's horse shit if you ask me, but at least it gives him some decent publicity, albeit publicity he probably - if I were to hazard a guess - couldn't give two fucks about.
News reports I can deal with, but arresting people for posting distasteful comments on Twitter should be the cue for God to terminate our very existence as a species. Prisons are crowded enough as it is. Can you imagine the conversation between cell-mates?
Convict #1 - 'What you in for?'
Convict #2 - 'The rape-murder of my own family. You?'
Convict #1 - 'Calling Jessica Ennis a cunt on Twitter.'
Convict #2 - 'You sick motherfucker!'
It's rediculous when you think about it like that.
P.s, this will [hopefully] be one of very few 'protest posts'.
A nasty thing to say, admittedly, but shit happens. 'Ordinary' civillians have to put up with verbal abuse over Twitter, Facebook and out in the streets on a regular basis, life does it's deed and carries on. I fail to understand why Olympic athletes are suddenly immune to such attacks. I'm sorry if you're a Union Jack-wielding ultra-prick, but 'doing the country proud' is not a valid reason in my book simply because diving into a swimming pool a couple of times is not on a par with risking your life fighting against the Taliban on a daily basis. Athletes are fair game just like the rest of us, they don't warrant any special treatment.
Frankie Boyle - a comedian of whom I am a big fan - has been 'in trouble' for merely tweeting that Rebecca Adlington possesses the face of a dolphin. Front page news for a light joke just because the target happened to be an Olympic swimmer? That's horse shit if you ask me, but at least it gives him some decent publicity, albeit publicity he probably - if I were to hazard a guess - couldn't give two fucks about.
News reports I can deal with, but arresting people for posting distasteful comments on Twitter should be the cue for God to terminate our very existence as a species. Prisons are crowded enough as it is. Can you imagine the conversation between cell-mates?
Convict #1 - 'What you in for?'
Convict #2 - 'The rape-murder of my own family. You?'
Convict #1 - 'Calling Jessica Ennis a cunt on Twitter.'
Convict #2 - 'You sick motherfucker!'
It's rediculous when you think about it like that.
P.s, this will [hopefully] be one of very few 'protest posts'.
Monday, 30 July 2012
The 'Twilight' affair.
Kristen Stewart was recently cought having it off behind the back - not literally I hope - of lover Robert Pattinson with another bloke. Zzzz...
Who truthfully gives a werewolf's cock about either of them? As people, they are [almost] less interesting than any of their films. She looks like a cross between Bugs Bunny and an elf, whilst he just looks like he was beaten and abused as a child with the ugly stick. I thought people - especially teenie-boppers - only gave a fuck about looks? Apparently, Kristen claims it was a 'momentary indiscretion' despite the fact it lasted for months. A bit like saying that Jack the Ripper's killing spree was a short-lived mental hiccup.
The man in question is not much of a step up for Kristen either. Rupert Sanders resembles a creature you might find in 'Men In Black'. His eyes are so squint he must think reality is just an astronomical game of picture scramble. I reckon if you were to shoot him in the face with an AK-47 he'd register the pain, but overall it wouldn't make much of a difference. All that without mentioning bears or KFC.
Whatever comes of this, we are safe in the knowledge that they are all cunts.
Who truthfully gives a werewolf's cock about either of them? As people, they are [almost] less interesting than any of their films. She looks like a cross between Bugs Bunny and an elf, whilst he just looks like he was beaten and abused as a child with the ugly stick. I thought people - especially teenie-boppers - only gave a fuck about looks? Apparently, Kristen claims it was a 'momentary indiscretion' despite the fact it lasted for months. A bit like saying that Jack the Ripper's killing spree was a short-lived mental hiccup.
The man in question is not much of a step up for Kristen either. Rupert Sanders resembles a creature you might find in 'Men In Black'. His eyes are so squint he must think reality is just an astronomical game of picture scramble. I reckon if you were to shoot him in the face with an AK-47 he'd register the pain, but overall it wouldn't make much of a difference. All that without mentioning bears or KFC.
Whatever comes of this, we are safe in the knowledge that they are all cunts.
Gone with the shit...
Howdy.
This is my new - I'd like to say improved - attempt at a blog and I thank you for being psychotic enough to develop even a slight interest.
I decided to make a fresh one because the more I thought about 'The Kingdom of Rantlantis' the more I wondered if it would be useful on top of a pizza. It wasn't going to be long before Dairylee were phoning me up asking for the rights to that title. I also felt it was getting a bit too, dare I say, serious in terms of content. Yes, I was making strange analogies and tearing shit up, but the tone was getting preachier and getting to the point of being almost like a protest page as opposed to a satirical one.
It's time to 'dumb down' and take the piss rather than pretend to be some sort of intellectual trying to change the world in some way. I'll leave that to the cunting politicians.
The message here is simple - immature imagination > mature sensability.
Marc
This is my new - I'd like to say improved - attempt at a blog and I thank you for being psychotic enough to develop even a slight interest.
I decided to make a fresh one because the more I thought about 'The Kingdom of Rantlantis' the more I wondered if it would be useful on top of a pizza. It wasn't going to be long before Dairylee were phoning me up asking for the rights to that title. I also felt it was getting a bit too, dare I say, serious in terms of content. Yes, I was making strange analogies and tearing shit up, but the tone was getting preachier and getting to the point of being almost like a protest page as opposed to a satirical one.
It's time to 'dumb down' and take the piss rather than pretend to be some sort of intellectual trying to change the world in some way. I'll leave that to the cunting politicians.
The message here is simple - immature imagination > mature sensability.
Marc
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