X-factor, taking the bus, and the media.

I don't have as much time on my hands these days, hence the lack of posts, but when enough shit has baffled me beyond belief you'll be among the first to know about it.

I'm not a 'bus man'. No, I don't mean 'bus driver' - although, I'm not one of those tossers either - I mean it's not my usual mode of transport or, at least, not my first choice. The drivers are one reason for that. I have never seen, or heard of, a bus driver's code of conduct, but I believe it must read something along the lines of 'must be the most sour-faced cunt on the face of the Earth'. Every time I insert my money into the machine - normally over the required rate due to the lack of exact change - they look at me like I've just shat on their lobster thermidor. One driver even started a beef with me because I wasn't one of those who sit at home and study the pamphlet with all the bus routes, stages and fairs in it, like they're about to sit an exam on the subject.

Young mothers are as much of a fucking laugh as their frantic children. They are obviously fans of the 'always room for one more pram' philosophy, which is nothing short of horse shite. The maximum is normally two prams on each side of the zone depending on the size of them - sometimes mums produce double-decker buggies and stuff. Still, when you're a young mum and fifth in the que, the world should probably go fuck itself and allow for buggie pile-ups on buses. Now that's a video game that would sell. Even without the prams, their kids are left to run riot up and down the isle jumping and pissing on the seats like incontinent kangaroos of the damned. A swift toe to the jaw wouldn't go a miss on any of those vile creatures.

The X-factor final was a harrowing experience, wasn't it? I don't think it could have been any more overblown if they decided to hold it on fucking Saturn. Apparently, it recieved the worst attendance and viewing figures yet of any series. By the looks of it, the organisers decided to view this in a more positive light - 'yes, there are less people in the audience, but look on the bright side... there's more space for fireworks.' Ironically, the figures would've risen if they'd gone the full shilling and had a bonfire with the loser of the final being tossed into it... and the winner, to be honest. Fuck it, if they burned the lot, the inside of my boxers would have been stickier than a toffee-apple covered in double-sided sellotape. I don't understand why they have to play those video packages where the contestants' friends, family and acquaintances get all bullshit emotional and tell them how much they have 'inspired' people. Seriously? Who the fuck has ever been inspired by a glorified kareoke singer? If this is a world in which our main source of inspiration is a below average cover of a song you can rarely recall hearing of, then I am backing Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic airline 'taking off'. Apologies for the terrible pun.

Surely, this decrease in popularity is a declaration that the X-factor is no longer relevant. Please, for the love of all that is good and pure, let it be so. I've never officially liked it in the first place. Okay, the auditions were an amusing novelty to begin with, but if it were a Christmas turkey even the most desperate of tramps would have given up on it by now. Imagine nine consecutive shits that looked, smelled and felt exactly the same, that's what the X-factor is like. Also, the longer it has gone on, the more it has become less about the 'talent' and more about the judges. An irony considering the panel has gotten steadily worse by the series. I remember an audition where a distinctly terrible girl group decided to try and put Tulisa - who barely achieved her fifteen minutes with, R(ape) 'n' B(ums) group, N-dubz - in her place. The panelist chose to be blunt and tell them straight that 'the energy and dancing was only there to cover up the fact that they can't sing', to which one of the girls responded with 'that's a bit rich coming from you'. The group were fucking horrific, but the girl made an exquisite point there. In an interview afterward, Tulisa claimed that they would get 'nowhere in this business' with such an 'attitude'. That's right, Tulisa, rubbing your nose against a cock on camera for twelve minutes or so is how it's done.

Due to the sadness which surrounds this next topic, I'm going to start off with something more light-hearted. I saw an article on the 'Huffington Post' website with the headline 'The royal baby and what it means for women' which was not followed by the words 'absolutely fuck all.' In my opinion, this is a scandal in itself and thus should be treated as such. I'm sure you're familiar with the disgusting news that Kate Middleton is pregnant. Of course, there were also reports that a hospital nurse was pushed into taking her own life after falling for a prank phone call by two Australian DJ's, claiming to be The Queen and... someone else, and confirming the pregnancy amidst reports of Kate turning up at the hospital with 'morning sickness.' Enter the fucking press with their exaggerated, uninteresting headlines calling for heads. This is the one deadly serious line you'll read in this post - fuck the media, if they honestly think that we give two fucks about what they say, do or think then they are more deluded than a short bus full of retarded cattle. Those cunts missing the humor entirely and making it seem like a huge deal is what killed that nurse. Nothing more, nothing less.

This is exactly what the media mean when they say 'we have the right to free speech'. The irony in this is blatant in my eyes. This is the same media which consistently condemns the shock-humor of Scottish comedian, Frankie Boyle, as 'vile' and 'insensitive'. As far as I am aware, Frankie's jokes have never forced anyone into hanging themselves... yet. How can you argue for free speech and against it simultaneously without looking like a complete dickhead? I rest my case.